it was the numbest i have felt in my entire life.
I just stare at the screen till it was all white and all i could see was the cursor blinking.
its like the cursor was just mocking me like look at me moving.
i couldnt move for an hour straight.
i can barely move now.
the day started with me not going to any class today because I had a paper to write.
fuck going on campus. i feel invisible there. i feel like i am visiting there. the people seem so strange and i just go about my ways in my own world.
so instead i woke up alone. naked.
i didnt even eat lunch with my friends because i didnt see them inside the dining commons. i ate alone staring at the window.
i then went on to write my paper. it took a really long time. i sat there trying to figure out a title for 30 minutes. it was on the critique of consumerism, something i am extremely passionate about and yet it took me 6 hours to write and felt like the most forced writing ever.
i had skipped out on dinner with my friends to finish my paper. i finished and decided to drive to campus to eat at the dlg. i ate alone and didnt recognize a single person there and drove away playing my music really loud.
i came back and saw zac for the first time all day. i told him id see him later when we were gonna smoke two blunts. and then i did that and then some with vince ray caleb and derek. it was fun and it was the first time i felt happy all day. then jen texted me to come hang out. i decided to go over there super high even though i didnt want to. went over there and just layed around. she was on the computer the whole time, i was watching the breakup. she seem preoccupied. rigid. complacent. i left feeling wierd. thought she didnt seem quite all there. turns out that the baggage that kept me from dating her was someone she liked more. definitely enjoy reading that. then it turns out she just wanted to not see me anymore regardless. that brings me to this point. i have to piss and its so fucking late. part of me wants to go to bed and have sleep smooth over some of the pain, however id rather just bleed for a while right now. see it run. it drip. it dry. i find myself dissolving. as if im just filled with liquid, a rag doll. i feel extremely melted. like ive converged into one grey color for people to step on and become black. i have no substance right now. there is nothing to me.
the irony is that when i didnt really like jen very much at all, she liked me the most. and then when i actually started liking her and actually put some of my honest feelings into it, the less she liked me. am i that constricted. am i that caged. when i care about something, i cannot express the truth of my care. other things just come out of my mouth like a grey mud. nonsense. overwhelmingness. these things mask what is inside. im sinking in quicksand and im my own quicksand. im getting lost in the maze of my mind. i feel like i know nothing at this point.
drip drip. drip drip. drip.
a fisherman wonders how long this fog will plague his harbor while a boy chases his shadow down a well.
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