the experience

its becoming self aware. knowing all parts of yourself, and how u really feel about yourself. everything is heightened and magnifyed. its thinking so far ahead you forgot where you started. overloading your systems with thoughts. detachment from ones body with controlling limbs. realizing the dark slowness of my feelings. knowing there is this complex in me to get fucked up, to cover up the pain. this is all an episode in my life, a crisis. ive gotta stop living to fix every past mistake until its this endless cycle where i realize i have no substance and am just covering up every blur with other ones. its getting lost within ones mind. i need to start living and move forward for the sake of moving forward.. progress, unrestricted from sorrow. and when the mind feels it has made all the landmark self discoveries for the night, the body shuts down, tired of people lapped by the mind. 

3-14-09: Escape at night

my days grind me down. that constant aspect of my life isnt there. i dont have that thing to fall back on. i kinda just flow through my day. and then night comes and just kinda just get fucked up. finals week starts now. im definitely missing something right now. a reason not to get fucked up

3-13-09:Blitz

end of the winter quarter. done. me and it. 

hope spring brings some new things.

faded.

3-12-09: Zipping by

i woke up super early to take my musicianship exam for my music class. i did ok. i dont really care about that class. rather ironic that i do below average on a musicianship exam when i played saxophone for 5 years. always finding another way to fail.

that being said i got home really early from class, took some nyquil and passed out until around 3pm. i got more sleep during the day than at night. then i went to lit section, it was what it was.

went to a hardcore show after that. really needed a release. this day flew by. maybe because i slept alot or probably because i wanted it to be over with. if this was a preview on what my days are gonna be like then they are gonna go by really fast. 

there is this essence to life, one that feels crisp, one that feels full. it slows time to a stand-still but it feels ok. your days feel like your strolling through a park and everything seems memorable. that essence feels like it has been sucked out of me. things are kind of being blurred together. a day is solid, its a day. it moves extremely fast and nothing feels good. i kind of feel better about the jen situation. although there are so many things that overload my senses that remind me of her. it just all hits me like a rush of blood. get up too quick and i cant see. im gonna try to slow things down as much as possible. grab every minute with all my strength and squeeze it til theres nothing left. because if i dont slow down and look inside, things just seem to blur right on by. 

i am going to write in this every day. i want to have this year of my life documented so i can look back and see if i really was living life deliberately by my own means. it should be remarkable.

3-11-09: The first day

3-11-09 was the worst day i have ever had in college. 

it was the numbest i have felt in my entire life.

I just stare at the screen till it was all white and all i could see was the cursor blinking.

its like the cursor was just mocking me like look at me moving.

i couldnt move for an hour straight.

i can barely move now.

the day started with me not going to any class today because I had a paper to write.

fuck going on campus. i feel invisible there. i feel like i am visiting there. the people seem so strange and i just go about my ways in my own world. 

so instead i woke up alone. naked.

i didnt even eat lunch with my friends because i didnt see them inside the dining commons. i ate alone staring at the window.

i then went on to write my paper. it took a really long time. i sat there trying to figure out a title for 30 minutes. it was on the critique of consumerism, something i am extremely passionate about and yet it took me 6 hours to write and felt like the most forced writing ever.

i had skipped out on dinner with my friends to finish my paper. i finished and decided to drive to campus to eat at the dlg. i ate alone and didnt recognize a single person there and drove away playing my music really loud.

i came back and saw zac for the first time all day. i told him id see him later when we were gonna smoke two blunts. and then i did that and then some with vince ray caleb and derek. it was fun and it was the first time i felt happy all day. then jen texted me to come hang out. i decided to go over there super high even though i didnt want to. went over there and just layed around. she was on the computer the whole time, i was watching the breakup. she seem preoccupied. rigid. complacent. i left feeling wierd. thought she didnt seem quite all there. turns out that the baggage that kept me from dating her was someone she liked more. definitely enjoy reading that. then it turns out she just wanted to not see me anymore regardless. that brings me to this point. i have to piss and its so fucking late. part of me wants to go to bed and have sleep smooth over some of the pain, however id rather just bleed for a while right now. see it run. it drip. it dry. i find myself dissolving. as if im just filled with liquid, a rag doll. i feel extremely melted. like ive converged into one grey color for people to step on and become black. i have no substance right now. there is nothing to me. 

the irony is that when i didnt really like jen very much at all, she liked me the most. and then when i actually started liking her and actually put some of my honest feelings into it, the less she liked me. am i that constricted. am i that caged. when i care about something, i cannot express the truth of my care. other things just come out of my mouth like a grey mud. nonsense. overwhelmingness. these things mask what is inside. im sinking in quicksand and im my own quicksand. im getting lost in the maze of my mind. i feel like i know nothing at this point.

drip drip. drip drip. drip.

a fisherman wonders how long this fog will plague his harbor while a boy chases his shadow down a well.

Another DLG writing: Ash

Its the spring that pops free in my bed,

the hair thats trapped under my buttons.

I wake up with a layer of dirt on my skin,

you're the smoke that's sleeping in my jacket.

I've spent nights on the floor with you,

your casino lights are sucking me in.

I'm the shortcut through the field and

you're the paint under my nails.

It's the wind out of the north,

it's the space between your eyes and brain.

The color of your skin is like me sitting alone,

you smell like my nosebleeds...

My blood is the only thing I can taste.

It's the way things look when I'm drunk.

I can't remember what I just wrote...

I've got amnesia and you're my lone tattoo.

You speak like you're trying to fill my lungs,

I speak like I'm a burning building.

Every single day I burn down with the death of each passing day. Today I awoke a hot pile of ash, I pulled the plug on myself and now I'm cooling off. No one will ever build me up again. I will just step outside and disappear in the wind... Until it rains again when the day is born, and then you will see a little piece of me everywhere you turn. And then the infinite extent of my sadness trapped in my dispersion will be set ablaze when you see the pieces of me scattered, and then your world will burn until everything smolders like me. The world too will be ash as I'm buried beneath, and then every piece of you is a piece of me.

It's the dirt under my feet...